Tuesday, January 19, 2010

If I Had A Magic Wand...

I had a colleague come to me yesterday and tell me, "One of the Law Professors thinks you're mean and they're going to talk to the Dean about you because they think that no 'tenured faculty' member should be treated the way you treat them." Currently, faculty at our University are experiencing a cut in pay of 6.7% due to the bad economy. If I had a magic wand, I'd cut it to 50% for certain faculty members who try to push their weight around.

Here's what else I'd do with my magic wand...

1) I'd wave my wand over any guy who did me wrong and shrivel their penis to the size of a peanut...permanently.

2) I'd grant myself with inflatable boobs 'cause sometimes you feel like Double D's and sometimes you don't.

3) I'll wave my magic wand and make you start foaming at the mouth the instant you start talking behind my back. You know, kinda like washing your mouth out with soap...only, it taste like spoiled milk and rotten eggs.

4) I'd wave my magic wand over my body and TA-DAH! Instant liposuction!

5) I will wave my wand over all the people I work with so that they only speak when I command...and say only what I want to hear.

6) I will wave my wand over the boyfriend so that he instantly has the super powers of Chef Alan Wong/Emeril/Bobby Flay, the cleaning powers of Mr. Clean, and the ability to take me on a shopping spree when I choose (and, I'm not talking about shopping at Ross').

7) I'd grant the bff and myself unlimited backstage & dressing room access to any Josh Groban and Michael Buble concert - FOREVER! - In addition, a full time nanny at her disposal so that she can attend these concerts with me.

8) I'd wave the wand and grant myself with the ability to never work again.

9) I will instantly add 50 more pds. and cellulite to your body if you try to threaten me by trying to pull rank / race / education / or sex around me.

10) I'd stick my magic wand up your ass if you get on my nerves and continue to irritate the hell out of me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What a hater! Lol